The L-word.My own demon.
** this is the most personal crap here yet.shield your eyes. **
I think my lovelife, or lustlife, as I’d prefer to call, it is cursed. Cursed by those stupid love chain shit that the shoddy internet is spewing, either that or my dad cursed me. I don’t necessarily believe the chain stuff, I mean, who does? It’s all in the mind and the person who controls their lives. But I’m starting to think someone else is pulling the strings here. Here I am, 20, and still no serious relationship to speak of. Not that I want one in a snap, but it’s just that I think I should have one or I should have HAD one, in the least. C’mon, 15year olds are already claiming that they’ve been in love or had experienced it, and here I am, still looking for the meaning of that oh-so-elusive L-word!!!
I dunno if it’s because (a.) i don’t treat guys seriously, (b.)they don’t treat me seriously, (c.) I haven’t found that person,yadda,yadda,yadda or (d.) I’m too cynical/pessimistic to give it a chance. Some say I’m scared to commit, agreeable at times, especially when I enter something that ends badly. But isn’t it usually gut instinct that tells us when love is love and not love-lust? Or you just kind of realize that you’ve been with a guy longer than your set expiry date, and that’s when you realize you’re in love with that person. Hmm..maybe my gut instinct has short-circuited or my expiry dates just get shorter and shorter.
I guess, the reason why I’m scared to commit is because I’m really afraid. Reason? I’ve hooked up with guys who don’t bother to hide their slob and treat girls horribly (dun worry,i made damn sure they got theirs…ha!) and I have heard waaaaaay too many testosterone induced stories of my guy friends’ …ehemm…"multi-tasking" (and dig this,they’re in "serious" relation-blahs themselves!). THAT"S why. I guess. But I’ve yet to have professional help or opinion. I guess I’ve just witnessed too many playing-arounds (guilty!) that it makes my level of trust a little more shorter than others. I mean, it’s hard for me to like, give myself when there’s that fear that when I do, I’m gonna get screwed! (not THAT screwed,perv) In short,I guess I’m scared of karma. I know,I’ve not been that girl you’d bring home to mom, and I know I’ve broken a few hearts here and there (that was UNINTENTIONAL I SWEAR!) and of course, I wish that I could undo some of the things I did, but I also had a reason. I was just looking out for myself. If that behavior is to be saluted as feminism, fine, but just keep it in moderation, coz, whichever way we put it, girls are still more emotional than guys and girls still have a harder time recovering from emotional blows. (unless you’re extremely skilled in numbing yourself)
So in conclusion (mine, at least =) the reason why I’m still ignorant about the L-word is coz I’m scared of it’s consequences, I’m scared to trust too much and I’m scared to compromise my freedom and other single-girl-just-hooking-up advantages. But I know, eventually, I’ll be able to strip off this tough cookie facade and get there.
"Love like you’ve never been hurt." I really oughta listen to that.
